im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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