tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
