i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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