she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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