I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize