pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize