hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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