you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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