it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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