On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
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