You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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