In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
