Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize