I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
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