why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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