your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
