Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
