please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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