my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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