we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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