does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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