apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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