You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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