Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
