just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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