Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
