There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
