Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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