At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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