How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
