come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Your penis caused this!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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