11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
