i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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