kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
