I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
