On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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