I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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