I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
