I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
