if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
