i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
