if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
