watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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