Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
