my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
