i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am one with the molecules
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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