I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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