Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
