You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
