u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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