I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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