after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
