I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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