I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize