I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
