I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
