she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
