Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
