Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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