So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
